Beyond the wedding

I was on such a roll back in December. I was getting a lot of wedding-related stuff done, blogging frequently, etc. But it seems like as soon as midnight struck and it became 2008, things have shifted.

I'm starting to definitely feel the crunch now that we are almost at the five-month mark. There are a lot of projects and tasks that I have yet to even start, and several that I have to buckle down and finish. However, I'm starting to look at life beyond the wedding... and that has been keeping me busy.

I've come to the realization that what I'm doing for a living now... I don't want to be doing for the rest of my life. This is the second time this has happened, so I'm starting to think that I have to believe it's true. Almost two years ago, at my first job, I was totally burnt out and knew I needed to make a change. At that time, I considered that maybe I needed to make a complete career change. But since I had only had one job out of college, I questioned my judgement and thought that perhaps it wasn't the career that was the problem, but maybe just that specific job. I applied to grad school, but also applied to a job that sounded interesting. I was offered the job, so I took it--and with it I found a new sense of success. I took a slight pay raise, I found it exciting to learn the ropes at a new place, meet new people, and more. The benefits and the vacation time are all great, and I like everyone I work with. So to say I hate my job, or even dislike it, would not be the right thing to say. I'm happy where I am right now. I just know I won't be happy here in the FUTURE, if that makes sense. Because this is all about looking toward the future.

The hours are really conducive to having a family. Everyone is flexible here, and family is the number one priority for most, so it's not like that is a problem. But there is that little issue about personal success, happiness, and satisfaction and I don't think I'll have that for the long run. And the pay? Well, my income is limited, let's put it that way. I worry about us being able to afford the type of lifestyle we're going to want to live--nothing outrageous, but we want a house, kids, modest vacations, etc.

I'm beginning to look into my options and am contemplating going back to school starting in the fall. Right now I'm working on research and finding out as much as I can about the program(s) in which I am interested, and then applying. Because after all, the first step--I have to get in. And then I need to wait for the financial aid award letter to see what kind of damage that brings with it.

To go back to school, we'll have to push back kids a few years. That's probably the most disappointing part for me. I've wanted to be a mommy since I was a little girl. I just always kind of figured we'd be married for two years and then have our first baby. Now, that'll have to change. I'll likely be at least 30 years old before we have children. I'm trying to convince myself that it's actually okay. I know in my head that it is... but that pesky heart, I tell ya... it really wanted them sooner. :)

Right now, I'm just trying to relax a little and not stress so much over it all. Things will work out the way they are supposed to.

I just wish this stuff wasn't keeping me up at night.